..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
