I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
