he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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