If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
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i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
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Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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