yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
