In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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