Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
