if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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