I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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