Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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