That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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