and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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