Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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