I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I see more hoeing in ur future
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
