New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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