Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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