So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
