i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
