a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
