Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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