The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
