don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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