its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
