Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
