i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
