Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
