the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
