Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
