May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
