umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
