When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
