i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
