I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
