her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
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Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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