They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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