I hate your face
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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