if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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