We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
