I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
