okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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