Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
