You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I am midnight drunk by noon
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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