Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
