I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
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