and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
