I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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