Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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