The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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