Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
