just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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