Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
