When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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