I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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