But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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