i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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